Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Back By Popular Demand: THE BACHELOR NEWSLETTER

So I know I said I wasn’t going to watch this season of The Bachelor but I couldn’t stay away...at least the first episode anyway.  I say that now but I might just have to watch it.  The disasters that step out of those limos are my favorite part of the whole season.
Before I start my judgments, does anyone remember Jamie from Ben’s season of The Bachelor?  You know, the girl who was the most awkward, weirdest kisser & got kicked off immediately following their kiss.  Still not familiar?  Well, she also reprised her role on Bachelor Pad (season 2?) & was one of the many played by Chris Bukowski (you know him from leaving with crazy pants Elise on Bachelor in Paradise.)  He called Jamie desperate & based on the preview that I have just seen, she has taken it to a whole ‘notha level.  She is now on a show called Married at First Sight.  It is a show where 2 people enter into an arranged marriage & know absolutely nothing about their spouse & never even see them until they are walking down the aisle.  Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Amy. I do!  So yea...gotta love the winners that The Bachelor casts.

Speaking of!  If we were doing a draft, here are my pre-show thoughts based on photos alone:

My #1 pick: Tracy fo sho.
Call me a narcissist but I’m a sucker for a gal with dimples & green eyes.

Carly is the sister of Zak W. (from Des’ season.)  So maybe she has a bit of the inside track.  Could be a sleeper pick.
Bo is a plus-sized model & is fearless.  I’m glad the casting people are branching out a bit into the plus-sized arena.  And she wants to have lunch with Beyonce so she’s A’s in my book.

I think I’d pick Nicole last...
Just because.

Or maybe Kara...
What is that shirt all about?!  And you’re afraid of sweating on a date?  Wear deodorant.  Don’t wear gray.  Problem solved.

Mackenzie is only 21 & she has apparently not yet learned how to use a straightener.  She is also afraid of her dates smelling bad.

I think we can also cross off any city girls too, because odds are they don’t want to move to Iowa (sorry Courtni) or marry a farmer.
As I was clicking through the contestants, I started reading all of their biggest fears on dates & noticed a trend…
Becca: Having stomach issues and clogging up a toilet, a la Dumb and Dumber
Brittany: Gas or violent diarrhea
Kelsey: Diarrhea
Tara: Me having bad gas during the date and he catches on to me.
And then I got to Trina. Trina, Trina, Trina...Eating something that gives me "di-di"...for saying that, she should die-die.
I had no idea diarrhea was such an epidemic.  Perhaps you should postpone the date if such a thing is happening to you that day.  Common sense, girls.  COME ON!

And now onto the piece de resistance…
I started to watch the show sober & just couldn’t do it so even though it’s 2pm here in California, I’m drinking wine.  This is what happens when you don’t have a job.

Drink for farming broll.

Also drink whenever there’s a FarmersOnly.com commercial.  I haven’t seen any of these yet but you know they’re coming.

Amanda scares me.  Why are you single? Because I’m f’ing crazy.  You’re not supposed to say that on TV.  Secret Admirer might’ve been a good idea if you didn’t have CRAZY EYES!  I hope I’m not just creepily staring at him.

Was Mackenzie on teen mom?  Is alfalfa organic?

I think Alissa is funny.  I like her cheesy flight attendant routine.

Kelsey has the sob story.  LOVE her blue dress.  She looks like she makes it far based on the preview so a solid draft pick.

Whoa whoa whoa.  We weren’t the only people who did Fantasy Bachelor??? I thought we made it up.  Copy cats.  I asked Brandon to make me a draft/newsletter website so I might have to watch now. UGH.

Also drink whenever he talks about the harvest.

Holy awkward hug, Britt!  Seems a bit nutty but I like her.  Got a little ahead of herself but who knows...that first impression rose could be a big deal.

I like Whitney’s shoes.

Reegan is weird.  Not in a good way.

Tara is probably his best match.  Great idea with the shorts & then 2nd impression.  GF likes to drank though.  I was proud of her that she didn’t fall down during the rose ceremony.  That’s what happens when you cast girls right out of college, though.

Kaitlyn has a pretty rockin’ bod.  You can plow the f outta my field anyday.  She’s got some f’ed up teeth though.  I think her tight seal joke was funny.  I also think she’s got some funny comments in general. #TeamKaitlyn

I’m so glad I picked Nicole last.  Pig nose.

Ashley = the crazy one.  Wtf with the onion?  She got picked & that Yoga instructor babe didn’t?!  Now I need to watch next week’s episode to see what happens.  DAMN YOU BACHELOR TEASES!

This show SUCKS when you watch it by yourself.  This was once the highlight of my week just bc it was an excuse for everyone to come over & drink wine.  I NEED GIRL FRIENDS!!! I miss you guys!

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