Saturday, June 27, 2009

Reverse Feminism

I wish I lived in the old times. That women's liberation movement really screwed everything up for me. Everything was so much simpler & there weren't such mixed signals & different options. Back then, you met someone, you got married & you had a family. That was it. You didn't have so many single parents, divorces, technologies or cheating.

Maybe I watch too much TV but why couldn't I have lived in England during the Elizabethan era? Life was so easy. You met someone, or maybe didn't even meet them, but you got married & always lived happily ever after. Your father sold you for a goat & that was it. No worrying about if he calls or texts you or whether or not you should text him or what you should say & worrying about whether you come off as too needy. There was no calling during that time. If you didn't hear anything the next day, you didn't automatically think you screwed it up. It was totally normal because you'd have to wait for the man to come on horseback & deliver you a hand-written note from your lover. If the prince stole your horse, you'd just throw apples at him & then you guys would eventually fall in love after you gave him false information & you would become a princess & screw over your wicked stepmother & stepsister! If your sister had a baby with the king, it mattered not, you could still marry him & force him to disconnect with the Catholic Church in order to marry you! You could be a maiden in court & fall for a poet after dressing up as a man in order to perform in a play & then that poet would go on to become the most famous in all the world! Such simple times.

I'm not saying I'd like to have lived during the hard times in America because those sound so unappealing to me. England was where it was at. I have no interest in being June Cleaver or Rosie the Riveter, but Ann Boleyn really had the life (until she was beheaded of course.) It was just such an easy life to have. What happened to the old fashioned gentleman? Today, there are men like Tucker Max who get rich & famous because of their drunk antics & sexual conquests. On the other hand there are also women like Chelsea Handler who have done the same thing. But think what a better world it would be if we all had English accents & watched knights in shining armor winning our love. Dating was not even a long process. It basically went man meets woman, they like each other, they get married, the end. Dating now has become almost none existent because why buy the ice cream truck when you're getting the popsicles for free?

I don't care if I vote. I'd like to wear a corset & have someone dress me. It really doesn't sound all that bad if you ask me! In the words of Avril Lavigne, "Why'd you gotta go & make things so complicated?" Thanks a lot for burning your bras, ladies you really screwed it up for the rest of us.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Conclusions, Conclusions

I have recently come to the conclusion about 2 things. The first is that I have been completely miserable lately & the only time I'm remotely happy is when I'm drunk (& not having beer tears.) The only other time is on vacation but we're talking real life here. You would think that this conclusion would cause me to drink every minute of every day just to be happy, but my fear of alcoholism & constant hungover stomach aches make this an impossibility. It's no wonder though that I look forward to my days off with such anticipation because those are my only drinking binges/days of happiness. The hangover is well worth the night. Side note: "The Hangover" is such a hilarious movie & everyone should see it. Another side note: in case you didn't notice, I gave up on being a movie critic.

The 2nd conclusion that I came to was when I was reading my new book by Chelsea Handler entitled "My Horizontal Life". Her unbridled honesty & humor has caused me to look at my life in a new way & the conclusion that I reached was that if I ever want to get laid again, I've got to move out of my house. Pronto. It was so easy in college because you just went back to your dorm room & your only worries were that your roommate would be sleeping & you'd have to kick her to the curb (or couch). Luckily, I never had this to worry about, since Diana was usually coming home with me. God forbid if I did have a problem, it really wasn't that serious since you could walk the additional 2 blocks to get to the boy's house or splurge on the $2 cab ride. When you live at home, you have so many more problems to think of. First & foremost is that this boy has to meet your parents if he comes over & then you inevitably get asked why he left so late. I don't particularly like going to a boy's house that I don't know very well, but I'll do what I gotta do sometimes. But then, if you're not staying over you get asked what you were doing there so late & why didn't you call? Well, maybe I was a bit preoccupied.

But I'm pretty sure that these 2 things are linked. I'm happier when regularly having sex & I'm regularly having sex when I'm drinking more & I'm drinking more when I'm not working but if I'm not working then I can't make money to move out of my house, which if I'm still living at home then there will be more dry spells! So clearly, working has led me to become a sober, celibate shrew with depression. God, a conclusion like that leads a girl to drink, don't you think?

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Go Green or Go Home!

I have fully embraced the philosophy of "going green". Everyone keeps talking about it but this girl is really trying to do something about it. Obviously I'm not the only one & I applaud anyone who chooses to live this life. I have always shut off lights when I leave a room & have never left the water running while I brush my teeth. I have never been one to litter or even spit my gum on the ground so changing to this new way of life was not the most difficult transition for me. I kind of force it upon everyone & might be starting to annoy one or two non-eco-friendly civilians.

When I worked for the accountant a few months back, she would constantly reuse paper & just write things on the other side or use double-sided printing. Such a simple choice but it saved so much paper, so I of course implemented this strategy at Holly Hill when I returned there. The problem is that nobody remembers to do this & I am like the green police around the office yelling at everyone for throwing away paper. I put up a sign reminding people to reuse/recycle but clearly this sign should be in neon lights & play on repeat on a speaker. I am a broken record when it comes to telling people to flip over the paper. It makes perfect sense though so I don't get what's so hard about it. Not only are you saving money by having to buy less paper, but you are also helping the environment!

Another thing about working in a business is the amount of plastic bags people go through. Yes, I totally understand if you have multiple items that require a bag & I am not against that in the least. My problem comes in when somebody has 1 thing that can easily be carried by hand or fit in a pocket book & they ask for a bag. Before I bag people's things, I always ask if they would like a bag if it's one of those questionable purchases. I must inadvertently give them the stink eye when they choose the bag because some people feel it necessary to explain to me why they need a bag. I'm judging you no matter the explanation you give me, so save your breath. I tend to smile at those that opt to save the earth.

Customers also come in with their water samples with containers of all different shapes & sizes. I always try to give people back their bottle, bag, container, etc. so they can reuse it for the next time they come in but noooo some people just insist on throwing them away. Have you ever heard the statistics about plastic bottles & how they are so super deadly to the environment? I recently reprimanded my mother for buying a case of bottled water & I think she felt so bad about it that she went out & bought all of us aluminum water bottles. Filtered water tastes the same as bottled water people, get it in your heads & stop buying bottled water! I don't mean to sound like a Green Peace Environmental freak or anything but like I said, I have fully embraced this lifestyle & I am now about as green as a smurf is blue!